“….It’s the most wonderful time of yearrrrrrrr for uninvited and inappropriate questions or comments about other people’s relationship status! That’s how the song goes, right?
It happens every single damn year. You’re surrounded by family, friends, and coworkers – and someone asks a simple, but humiliating question about your dating life. I’m not sure if it’s all the ridiculous Kay Jewelers commercials (now Peloton!), the sudden end-of-year expectation for plus-ones at gatherings, or the extra shot of brandy that mysteriously landed in their eggnog, but SOMETHING is giving these inconsiderate fools the notion that they’re entitled to private details about others’ deeply personal matters.
And it’s gotta stop.
But as we all know, we can’t control others, we can only control ourselves. So the next few paragraphs are going to focus on advice tailored to you – the fabulous, intelligent, capable, friendly, sweet-natured, go-getter single woman that you are. This holiday season we aren’t going to let ANYONE – not yourself or others – put you down just because you have the courage to navigate this world on your own. So take a deep breath, and read all about how to stay positive as a single woman during the holiday season.
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Go to the Holiday Party
You cannot sit this holiday out because you’re bummed about your relationship status. I mean, you can, but I don’t want you to.
Getting out of the house and mingling with others is good for the soul, even for us introverts. And resigning yourself to opting out of holiday gatherings just because you don’t have a plus one is only going to make you feel worse. Here’s the deal: most high functioning individuals don’t really take time to notice that you’re flying solo. In fact, they might prefer it that way. They get more of your attention and they don’t have to make small talk with a significant other they don’t really know yet. Plus…if your actual goal is to meet somebody to share the holidays with next year, what better way than to go to a festive party?
All I’m saying is you are a vital part of your family/friend group/work place, and it’s not fair to yourself or to anyone else to not show up because you’re worried about being perceived as “sad.” You’re not sad. You’re single. You get to call the shots in your own life. You can show up late and leave early without having to hang around while your significant other talks about the stock market or politics (guilty). Own it. If you don’t focus on your relationship status – neither will they. And, who knows….you just might have some fun.
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Brag About Yourself
For the love of God, please brag about your accomplishments. Because there are many. I don’t care if you didn’t have a typical “THIS YEAR WAS THE BEST YEAR YET” situation on your hands…but you did accomplish something, even if that did not include getting a significant other. Did you keep a job throughout the year? That’s a good start. Did you keep a houseplant alive, or better yet, a furry friend alive? Even better. Seriously – focus on the small victories and work your way up. And please, please, please – share them. You are already being IN-CRE-DIB-LY hard on yourself if you are reading this blog. You’re beating yourself up for not meeting someone special and deciding, hey, that warrants not being proud of any of the shit I did this past year.
I don’t care if you actually have to sit your butt down and write out all of the things you accomplished this past year. Get comfortable with the fact that you are an amazing person who deserves to take up all of the space all by yourself. And, please, for my sanity and yours – let people know about it. Allow yourself to take a compliment. Remind people that just because you don’t have a ring on your finger, you also deserve looks of beaming pride. You’ve earned it.
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In addition to going around town tooting your own horn (yas ma’am!), I also want you to seriously absorb the full magnitude of how blessed you are. Ok, so you don’t have someone to share the holidays with – but that’s only one component of ANYBODY’S life.
The secret to being happy in a relationship is being happy as an individual first.
If you can’t feel good about yourself and your choices, jumping into a relationship will result in compounded disappointment. So let’s focus on all of the things you are grateful for now. Do you have a supportive family? Do you like your friends? Are you happy with your career? Do you have a special furbaby you hold dear? And what about your interests or hobbies? Do you have a healthy exercise routine in place? Are your finances relatively in order? Consider everything you do in order to be a functional adult human being, and be GRATEFUL for it.
What we’re not going to do this holiday season is allow outdated or snide comments about your relationship status to enter your space. That’s what we’re not going to do.
I don’t care if they come from your well-intentioned Aunt Betty or your asshole coworker Kevin. Innocent or not, comments that infer your worth as a person isn’t fully developed until you’re in a relationship have no place in this century. And you’re going to have to quickly clap back.
Clapbacks are essentially just quippy boundaries that you set in place instantaneously. I recommend you come up with a few scripted lines for different audiences (you really don’t want to tell sweet Aunt Betty to “mind her own business, fool” at the dinner table) to have ready to roll whenever someone crosses a line. Here are some examples:
“Wouldn’t it be nice if you had a boyfriend?”…..“I think it’s nice that I’m really happy on my own.”
“How come you haven’t met anybody yet?”….. “I’m too good for everyone, thanks for asking.”
“We can always count on you to be single!”….. “And I can always count on you to be rude!”
“Do you have a special someone you’d like to bring?”….. “Yes! Myself!”
Please note that if you’re not in the mood to be sassy (although I ALWAYS recommend being sassy!!) a simple, “My dating life is not a topic of conversation for today, thank you” will also suffice. The more you get used to throwing people’s rudeness, intentional or not, back in their face, the less they will take the risk of bringing it up.
Set Positive Intentions
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. I want to make that crystal clear. It’s ok if you are single and would rather be paired off – but that still doesn’t give you an excuse to feel poorly about yourself.
So this holiday season, let’s get a jump on New Year’s Resolutions. Let’s figure out what you’d like to do in preparation of being in a relationship. Because trust me, you will eventually pair off with someone. That’s how goals work. You set them, you achieve them, rinse and repeat.
Earlier we talked about practicing gratitude and how important it is for boosting your confidence. But if during that lecture you were thinking to yourself, “Hey – I’m really not happy about my career or friends or life habits,” then guess what? This is the time to make the change. Figure out what it is you aren’t cool with, and let’s figure it out together. And be GRATEFUL you AREN’T in a relationship during this change. Making big changes in a serious relationship takes two solid commitments – and if they aren’t on board, it makes it all the more tough to strive towards your goal. But right now, all you need is your dedication. And that you can easily count on!
Think about the positive changes you’d like to make for this coming season/month/year, and put it into action. Make the changes in your personal life and your dating life. If you’re attracting players and assholes, stop saying “yes” to pursuers who have obvious red flags. If you’ve been avoiding dates due to fear of rejection, force yourself to go on a coffee date to ease yourself in. If you aren’t finding anyone attractive/interesting/noteworthy, widen your net and start frequenting new venues. And, if ANY of this seems daunting – don’t worry. Positive, sustainable change is what Blush Online Life Coaching specializes in – so you’re in the right place. Give life coaching a try and see what it can do for you.
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Do What You Want Before It’s Too Late
That’s right – time is a-tickin’. Regardless if you’re on the hunt for a relationship or you’re perfectly happy living that single life – at some point, you will probably find yourself in a twosome. Statistically, that’s what ends up happening. And you won’t have the freedom to make all of your holiday choices by yourself.
So that means, now is the time to book that tropical beach holiday you’ve been eyeing since 2014. Don’t put off those quirky holiday dreams of yours! You have the power and flexibility to spend your holiday HOWEVER you’d like to, no questions asked. Getting into a relationship comes with….certain obligations. Time tends to be split during the holidays, and you’re no longer the only voice getting to dictate how and when time and energy is divided. So take advantage now. Do whatever the hell you want. Stay at home and bake Christmas cookies while drinking red wine. Stay at your mom’s house for an entire week. Fly to Mexico and go ziplining. Backpack around Europe (it might be chilly, but that’s ok!). Do whatever in your mind sounds like a whole lot of fun – because you may not always have the space or time to do so in the future.
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Celebrate Your Community
Be as generous AF with the people you love. Thanks to hyped up commercialism this time of year, we are programmed to believe that the holidays is strictly a time for romance. And while, sure, husbands and wives and girlfriends and boyfriends do tend to exchange gifts and take some extra time together, that doesn’t mean you are excluded from the season.
Giving and receiving gifts (no matter the cost!) is such a fun way to bring intimacy to a community, and you should not exclude yourself from the holiday joy just because you’re single. That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. So go on, girl – shower your community! Bake cookies, buy candles, send wine – show your tribe how appreciative you are of them, and let them do the same for you in return. You deserve to feel loved EVERY year, and this is the perfect opportunity to send the message home. And, if you’re looking for inspiration for gifts, we’ve got a list right here!
Happy holidays lovelies! Go have fun!