“So, are you dating anyone?”
You know this question is coming at you by the barrel over the next coming weeks. And even if it WEREN’T the holiday season it’s not like this is a foreign question to you. You hear it all the freaking time. And with each curious inquiry, a piece of your confidence is torn.
There are a million reasons why this question is so commonly asked. It’s mostly innocent curiosity, with a little bit of small talk and a dash of social ignorance. People typically mean well. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s incredibly irksome. You’re not crazy for wanting this question abolished by the English language.
But the reality is, it’s unavoidable. People are going to ask. So your job is to keep your head held high and remain confident regardless of what social setting you are in. Here is how to feel confident as a single woman in any situation:
Focus on the Facts
If we’re being honest with each other, typically when someone asks us about our relationship status, we take it in the worst possible way. We don’t hear, “Hey! Is there anyone fun in your life right now?” Instead, we hear something to the tune of, “Are you a desirable person to be around yet?” or, “Have you finally reached adulthood by securing a stable relationship?” or, even worse, “Have you fixed whatever emotional issue was wrong with you yet?”
Ouch. No wonder we get so annoyed.
I do understand that asking someone whether or not they are in a relationship feels judgmental. That’s because society puts so much pressure on women to be “tied down” by a certain age. But you know what? A lot of us don’t freaking want to be in relationships yet. We have other things on our mind. And PS, this isn’t 1594 and we live past the age of 30 now, OK AUNT KAREN?
There. Is. No. Freaking. Rush.
I know it’s hard to ignore those cutting insinuations, but hear me out. Try to tune out any hidden meanings and focus on the facts of the question. Are you dating somebody right now? No. Why not? Because you have other shit to do. Because you don’t want to waste your time kissing toads. Because modern dating is a joke and you have decided to sit out for a bit until everyone else can grow the F up.
If you’re not convinced yet, thats ok. I’m not done.
Here are a few more facts of what being single could possibly mean:
You are not on your way to getting divorced (yay.)
You are getting to know yourself better
You are selective with romantic partners
You prefer to take things slowly with potential partners
You are focusing on your platonic friendships
You are focusing on your career
You are taking a healthy amount of time to grieve an old relationship before jumping into something else
You are developing a deeper spiritual relationship
You are busier with more important things
These are just a few facts, btw.
Do any of those facts reek of desperation? Do any of them make a person look desperate? Pathetic? Unwanted?
To me, that list is dynamite. That list describes a self-assured, confident woman taking her damn time to find someone who floats her boat. She knows what she wants, she knows what she doesn’t, and she values her time. She. Don’t. Play.
You are that girl. You aren’t just single, you are the queen of your life. So focus on that. Be confident in your single-hood. Commit to remembering that being single means all of those facts above, and then some. You are not a pair of boots sitting on display in a store window waiting to be bought. You are in charge of your life and in charge of your future. If you wanted to be dating somebody, trust me, you’d be dating somebody. You just either have more interesting things to pursue, or you haven’t found someone intriguing enough to tag along quite yet.
So next time someone asks if you’re still single, say YEAH, and don’t give a reason for it. If they press, understand that they have an antiquated view of what makes a person happy, and you have zero obligation to entertain their values. You do you, boo boo.
Do Not Feel the Need to Apologize For It
I know it can be uncomfortable when you find yourself in a “couples only” setting as the lone single. Within minutes you convince yourself that EVERYBODY KNOWS you are all by yourself and the entire room has come to pity you. So you make an offhand joke or self deprecating comment to diffuse the tension and remind everyone that yes, you are single.
And then you can’t stop.
It’s like the rest of the night is a series of self-imposed digs aimed right at your relationship status. You want to be in control of the message, so you deliver it all night long. But it ends up making you feel even worse. You are apologizing for your relationship status – and that is a no-no.
Most normal people don’t notice your relationship status until you make it super obvious.
Here’s how I know that:
First, there’s no way to guarantee that you actually are single. Your significant other could be working or in the bathroom as far as anyone knows. (You’d be surprised how long boys take in the bathroom.) (Especially if they have a gluten allergy.) (I do not know this from personal experience.)
(Yes I do.)
Second, most people are too preoccupied with their own insecurities to take notice of yours. I predict that at your next social gathering, the girl in the back corner thinks her dress is too short, the couple in the middle is actually in the midst of a horrible knock out fight and they are trying to play nice for the crowd, and the guy who just left to use the restroom got fired yesterday and needs to take five before anyone asks him how work is going.
People have their own shit going on, and your relationship status probably isn’t interesting enough for them to distract themselves. Being single is not a disease or an unfortunate event, it’s natural. And I have faith that the average self-aware person understands that.
Third, people who already know you pretty well are already used to the fact that you aren’t dating anyone. It’s not weird to them. In fact it’s going to be weird when you DO start dating someone because the friend group will have to adjust to the new dynamic. Everyone is probably very pleased with the current status quo, so their mind won’t wonder to what a new addition (in the form of your potential romantic partner) would look like.
It’s the people who blatantly ask you who are the idiots. They identity themselves pretty quickly. And you know how to shut them down (think: confidence).
You are an amazing addition to any social scenario whether you are in a relationship or not. You can still joke around with everyone, take turns on the dance floor, talk about your well-balanced life, and discuss any dating escapades that you feel comfortable discussing. You are a full person without a partner. So don’t let your insecurity make you think otherwise, and don’t apologize.
Own your Relationship Status
Remember all of the facts we went over earlier? The ones about how you are a boss and run your own life the way you see fit?
I want you to harness that energy everywhere you go.
Think about it: The only reason you beat yourself up is because you don’t have another human to go to parties and dinners with. But that’s a silly reason to feel bad about yourself. Being single (and putting yourself in social situations) is brave. It’s smart. It means that you are secure enough with yourself to not jump into a shitty relationship just for the sake of being in one. You know it’s not worth it! You would rather deal with the occasional loneliness and a lack of a plus one than subject yourself to someone you don’t love or who doesn’t love you. Maybe I am biased, but I think that’s a damn smart choice.
So own it.
Start being proud of yourself. Understand that you value yourself as a human being so much so that you have faith that you can make yourself happier than someone else can.
Damn, that’s confidence at its finest.
Remember the Possibilities
As intimidating and lonely as being single in a group setting can feel, it can also be exciting – especially if you are meeting new people for the first time.
You have the opportunity to hit it off with somebody at any event you attend. There’s a chance a random cocktail party for a friend’s birthday could change your life forever. People in relationships don’t have that – their romantic fate has already been sealed for the time being. The fact that you can experience the “spark” at any given night of the week is exhilarating. It takes a large dose of optimism to see things through this lens – I know – but the fact still remains the same! Meeting people has greater possibilities while being single, and that alone can be an adrenaline rush. Remember that there are plenty of people who wish they could experience that same excitement all over again. Have fun with it.
Want to feel confident as a single lady?
Then you need to do two things: 1) Amp up the Beyoncé in your life, and 2) Start working with a Blush life coach. Your relationship status should never define how you feel about yourself, and we want to help you think that way, too. Join us today so we can beef up your confidence and help you feel fabulous when you are single and when you are attached.