There are a few habits we’ve seen that are detrimental to a relationship. To put it bluntly they are things you should NOT be doing in a relationship.
These following behaviors can be hard to break (….which is why we offer one on one coaching). But don’t freak–these behaviors do not have to be permanent! With some awareness and determination, you can kick them for good. So, pay attention, because you kind of need to stop doing the four following things. Now.
Or else we will make you.
Here is what NOT to do in a relationship!
1. Do Not Mind Read
Unless you’re a bona fide psychic, you cannot mind read. And neither can they. So don’t a) try it, or b) expect it.
Communication is what keeps relationships healthy, strong, and LONG. Your partner cannot read your mind, and therefore you will have to thoroughly explain things to them on a daily basis. Things like how you feel, things you expect, what you hope for, and how you would like things to be done. Because they don’t know. They only know when you tell them. And then they know.
And same for you! You can’t assume you know everything about your partner. People aren’t static. We shift from moods and states of emotion and we change opinions all the time. Or at least I do. So use your language skills and quit reading minds. It will eliminate way more fights, and make it all crystal clear.
2. Do Not Play Hot Potato With Your Feelings
“You’re making me feel like this!”
No no no no no.
You can’t throw your feelings at someone else and make them take responsibility. That’s not how this goes. You feel a certain way, because that’s how you feel. Your feelings are not debatable. They aren’t facts that you can rip apart and analyze from different angles. They’re feelings. And the only one who can label them, share them, or explain them, is you.
So…that means your partner can’t take responsibility. Sorry. Instead, you can inform them why you feel a certain way. Something like…
“I feel sad when you bring that up.”
Yes, you’re going to have to be vulnerable. But without vulnerability, there’s no progress. So just take a deep breath, and let that honesty slip right out.
3. Do Not Aim to Win
If you win a fight, then the relationship loses. And believe us, nooooooobody wins if the relationship doesn’t win.
When a fight occurs, and you come out with guns blazing, ready to explain why you are completely right and he is absolutely wrong, check yo’self. And do it quick. Really, what are you going to gain from this? Credibility? If that? And why would you even need that, if the person you are trying to prove yourself to, is the one person you don’t have to prove yourself to?
The moment we aim to let the relationship as a whole win, is the second the relationship becomes a healthy one. Put the swords down, and work together to make sure you both end up on common ground. Talk it out. Yes, you can absolutely explain yourself, but they get that chance, too. You two have got to make sure that you both feel heard and validated, and that way, the relationship can shine through.
Let go of your ego. Winning is actually not everything. And if you continue to win, then you’re going to be winning as a single person – because that relationship is going down the drain, and fast.
4. Do Not Bottle Up Feelings
Awful awful awful awful bad bad bad bad.
We know how it starts. Something bothers you, and at the risk of sounding dramatic, you let it slide.
And then something else happens, but you can’t really say anything, because you didn’t say anything about the first thing, so they didn’t really know how you were feeling anyway.
Ugh. So you tuck it away.
Then a few more little things happen, but they’re too small to really even mention, so those get tossed to the side, too.
And then it happens.
They don’t turn the air conditioning off before you leave the house. Oh heyyyyy electric bill!
She says a sarcastic comment that could easily be seen as humor…but it’s not really funny. You rude human.
He forgets to do that favor he promised you, because, well, he was super busy.
BYE BYE SANITY.
Feelings start gushing out of you. They can’t stop! They WON’T stop! OH MY WORD I CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO CAP THIS EMOTIONAL WELL. STAHHHPPPPP!!!! Well…they can’t. Not now. Not until every feeling is completely out in the open and nothing else is bottled up. And now we have a big fat fight on our hands and everything is messy and ew.
Don’t bottle up your feelings. Let go of your fear of being dramatic (being honest is not drama, guys.)
Nags are called nags because they aren’t nice about communicating their feelings–not because they share them. Don’t be afraid to let people know how you feel in a kind fashion. You’re a nice person. You don’t want to complain all the time. But you also can’t be a doormat.
So share your feelings, and avoid the epic volcanic feeling explosion that’s bound to happen otherwise.
Want to work on relationship thangs?
Good! Smart choice. We know exactly what NOT to do in relationships. Plus, in order to have a healthy relationship, we need to be able to have support outside of it. And guess what? We happen to be experts at that, and we can figure it out together. Sign up today, and let’s get started!