Cheating: it’s the ultimate betrayal. The person you thought would protect you, defend you, and comfort you has now put you through the worst kind of pain – and you have to live with it. If you’re looking for an article that’s going to help you get over being cheated on while staying in the relationship – I would “exit” out of this article now. I am NOT going to spend the next few minutes convincing you to stay in a relationship that has caused this kind of pain. I think you deserve better. If you’re ready to move past it, then continue on. This is how to move on after being cheated on.

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This Isn’t About the Other Person

Before we dive into anything else – which we will – spend as much time as you need to release anger towards the other person in this debacle. No matter who he or she is – they are the wrong target for your anger.

And that sucks, because they are the EASIEST scapegoat. More than likely you don’t know them very well (and if you do – yikes – that’s even worse?) and aren’t familiar with the context of their situation. Which means it’s REALLY easy to fill in the gaps yourself and create a scenario where your significant other is the presumed “innocent” party, and the other party instigated the entire thing.

But that’s not going to help you in this situation. The longer you hold onto that anger, the longer it’s going to take to realize who the real offender is. You will agonize over the wrong issues, and extend your hurt unnecessarily over time. Because at some point, you’re going to realize that this person isn’t your business. They aren’t the reason you feel terrible right now. And their trajectory doesn’t really affect your life. They can go on and have karma eat them alive later on, or they can go on living a perfectly happy life. Neither scenario affects how you are going to move forward.

So instead, assume they are completely innocent in this situation. Assume they didn’t know your significant other was betraying you. Assume they thought this was fair game (because , and this is harsh, but that’s usually the case). That way you can focus on what really matters in order to properly heal in a reasonable amount of time.

Forgive Yourself Immediately

Once we have zeroed in on the true offender in this situation, it gets real gnarly real fast.

And for a lot of us, the next immediate response is to blame ourselves. Now, know that a lot of us are going to move through the different stages of grief out of order and for different lengths of time – but this note is so important that I want to cover it early.

You are not to blame for a significant other callously violating the terms of your relationship. It’s easy to reflect back on everything you did wrong (and I’m sure there are some greatest hits!), but cheating is never the correct answer to retaliate against bad behavior. You simply do not have the power to make someone with agency do something against their will. Therefore, you cannot be held responsible for their actions. No matter WHAT went down in the relationship, this act does not need to be forgiven.

If your significant other was thinking about your feelings, they would have summoned the maturity to break it off with you before embarrassing you in such a demeaning way. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been in this position many times before. I’ve wanted to walk away from a perfectly good relationship because I simply wasn’t feeling it like I should have anymore. And every time I probably (definitely) botched it. But at least I can hold my head up high and say that the second I realized I was not in love with my significant other(s) anymore (and maybe even felt a twinge for somebody else) – I called it off. And if my idiotic 17, 20, and 23 year old self can manage to pull that off – so can they.

And if you’re sitting here thinking “Well what does she know, she only DUMPED people before, not the other way around” LOLOLOL I wish girlfriend. My 21 and 24 year old self beg to differ.