As life coaches, we understand what it’s like to feel like pure bleeeeeeck.
It’s our job. Ruts are normal—everyone and their dawg goes through them—but I believe there are three contributing factors that are super common among the best of us. So without further ado, let’s start digging into the top three things that are holding you back.
As humans, it is our instinct to want to control EVERYTHING. Our hair-our nails-our weight-our job-our boss-our parents-our dog-our plants-our weather-our money-our friends…..whew. That’s a lot of stuff. As you could probably pick up on, control normally shows its annoying face in two different forms:
1. Control of Self
2. Control of Others
In this case, “others” is anything outside of the self. Your coworker…the weather…random acts that cause a toe-stubbing…blah, blah, blah. As muggles, we were not born with super human powers. We know, so lame. We don’t possess the ability to change our boss’ surly attitude or our boyfriend’s need for cuddles, but we DO have control over ourselves. Hence…
#1 can be good, while #2 is usually bad.
However, we can’t just go through life thinking that we have no power over anything, right? Because why would we ever get out of bed? Control can be our friend in many instances, like getting a job because of good grades or a great track record, but it can also be a pain in the grass.
So, here is how control is totally holding you back.
We tend to overanalyze and stress out over things we CAN’T do anything about, instead of putting our energy into things we CAN do something about.
Ring a bell?
If your boss is being a complete tooty toot head and you can’t get him to give you any work assignments, we could easily spend our weeks in and out praying for his departure while surfing Pinterest at work. And then we’ll probably keep seeing him every Monday morning and run out of DIY projects to recreate.
So, instead of waiting, we can actually DO something. We can get to work early to jump on the first assignments. We can positively spin our messages about the importance of staying busy. We can schedule discussions to open up more communication in the workplace. We can document–in writing–every time we ask for more assignments and the amount of work we do on a daily basis. And we for sure think of anyone else who can help with the situation. We exert control through our thoughts and actions.
Letting go control over others leaves room to focus on what we can actually do. It’s nice when us muggles can make a difference, ain’t it? Let’s let go of the situations we cannot control and focus on what we can control. Our efficiency, impact, results, and happiness will shoot up in no time.
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2. Perspective & Paradigms
Sometimes it’s all about the lens.
Our frame of mind has the power to completely bog us down during times of anxiety. We create unnecessary pressure, should ourselves, and then arbitrarily decide that we must be doing EVERYTHING all wrong.
The thing we don’t realize, is the only thing we are doing wrong is thinking about our lives from a very flawed place.
For instance, I started my own business. You’ve probably heard of it since your browser is currently some sort of version of joinblush.com (thanks).
Anywho, I was scared out of my flipping mind. Still kind of am. Oh, and P.S.–startups don’t make money overnight. At least…not this one! I spent days and days trying to figure out why in the world I had this odd desire to do this instead of just being normal and getting a 9-5. I was very angry with myself for feeling this need to do something I loved instead of something I liked. It was very uncomfy.
That is, until I stopped wigging out and actually listened to one of my favorite humans. Basically, this was the message:
Trigger warning if you hate swear words.
“Kali, what the FUCK are you talking about? Shut the fuck up and look at what you’re doing. You are brave, creative, really fucking awesome and are trying to help women out everywhere. So seriously, quit your shit, get to work, and make this a huge success. Now.”
Instead of looking at myself of as a complete failure in the real world – I could look at myself as a pioneer of a new one.
Hmm. Yeah, I’ll take the latter.
When your life isn’t fitting into the paradigm you have created, change the paradigm, not your life.
And how do you change your paradigm? By changing your perspective. I don’t care if you’re single and you feel like you shouldn’t be, in between jobs when you have a graduate degree, or are feeling completely clueless at the beginning of a HUGE undertaking.
Our biggest obstacle is the picture in our head of what our life should look like.
“Should” is one of the worst words in the English language. I should be working in at a private practice. I should be engaged. I should be thinking about kids. I should have more money. I should be thinner.
That is no way to live.
Let’s learn to reframe our vision. Let someone else tell you how they see your journey unfolding (but hope they don’t curse as much). Keep a supportive network. Jot down the amazing things you are trying to accomplish. Remember that things take time. Read books that remind you of the process. Oh, and obviously read our blogs. They help change perspective lots.
Want help in reframing your current state of mind? Good. You’ve come to the right place.
Ladies, y’all need to start pummeling guilt in the face. For real. We’ve already seen the “apology” video circling the Internet, but we don’t necessarily need catchy viral videos telling us that we apologize and hold onto guilt wayyyyy too much. We live it every day!
Think about that boss we talked about earlier. A lot of us might not want to knock on his door every morning asking for work, because we would feel guilty about bugging him so often. Or guilty for being “demanding.” Or guilty for not figuring things out on our own. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Apology, apology, apology. Silly, silly, silly.
The number one thing to remember about guilt is that it is meant to be temporary. Holding onto guilt is pretty much the same thing as holding onto those skinny jeans from college. Both make you feel uncomfortable, insecure, kind of heavy, and seriously regretful (why did we feel the need to have holes on our knees….)
So, here is what you do. When you feel the pang of guilt coming on, ask, “did you really do anything wrong?”
Sometimes, the answer is a really big, itchy, “Yep.”
If that’s the case, do your thing–apologize and make it up to them. Then, let it go. Now, if the answer is “no,” then skip step #1, and just go to the letting-it-go part of the equation.
If something is happening in your life and you are taking responsibility for it via the emotion of guilt, it needs to stop. You are allowed to knock on the door, demand fairness, express your feelings, communicate your needs, or strive to please YOURSELF. And you don’t have to apologize for it. We can’t and won’t make everyone happy, and that seems like an odd reason to feel guilty.
Don’t let guilt hold you back from setting yourself up for greatness. Face it, release it, and go knock down those doors.
If you need help getting rid of the need to control, changing your perspectives & paradigms, or letting go of guilt—you know where to find it.
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