I want you to think back on your marriage for a second. Do you remember when the two of you decided to date exclusively? Dating someone new gives you a surge of all these feel-good hormones, and it’s intoxicating. The thrill of the chase is excellent, but it’s such a good feeling to be with someone you can be yourself with for the long run. When you’re finally able to nuzzle into the comfort of knowing someone loves you—for better or worse.
But, what happens when they’ve seen a whole lot of worse?
One of the most common issues with any long-term relationship is the struggle to hold onto the allure of mystery. Of course, you want your partner to love and support you at your worst. Yet, once your spouse has seen your “bad” underwear, putting on a pair of sexy anything makes you feel a bit like a fraud. They know you’re not really sexy–you’re just trying to be.
If this sounds familiar, I implore you to let go of this immediately!
It’s not that you have somehow become less appealing — of course not! However, as you transition from dating, to dating exclusively, to marriage, it’s easy to get lost in the minutiae of the day-to-day.
Living together means that you will spend at least part of your time dealing with the mundane tasks of running a household. The energy of a relationship changes when it becomes a part of your daily life, along with your other responsibilities, instead of an escape from them.
While your partner should bring you comfort, the trick to dating your spouse and rekindling the passion starts with the habits you have developed as a couple.
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How to Build Better Habits in Your Marriage
Habit: Order takeout and binge-watch t.v. on Friday nights.
Desired Behavior: Go out for dinner and drinks Friday nights.
Setup for Success:
- Go straight after work, don’t stop at home.
- Choose locations you’re both excited about.
- Preplan date ideas, so you have a bank to turn to when you’re unsure where to go.
- Plan a date where touching is encouraged
Target the habits and behavior you want to change by changing your environment to support the new actions you want to see, this will increase your chances of success dramatically.
If you’re looking for more specific tips on how to commit to changing your marital habits – it’s best to work with a coach (hey!) to get tailored advice.
Luckily, I’m offering free sessions right now, so I recommend booking below:
Okay, let’s get into the tips that will help you turn up the sexual tension while dating your spouse.
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You Need to Feel Good About Yourself First
To make any date night successful, you need to feel confident and attractive. Wear something you know you look good in. Take your time grooming and catering to yourself from head to toe. Remind yourself of just how desirable you are, and they will undoubtedly see it too. More importantly, this confidence will make you irresistible.
Dressing up will help set the tone that the time you are about to spend together is different from what you do any other night. Avoid wearing anything that inhibits your enjoyment, look good, but be comfortable. You can’t possibly have a good time if you’re fidgeting with your clothes or your feet hurt from your shoes.
Be Intentional With Location
I cannot emphasize this enough. Where you go on your date matters!
Consider the vibe you’re trying to set. If you want to have fun with your spouse and keep it friendly, then maybe an active, daytime activity is right. Go for things that inspire a little friendly competition or teamwork.
If you’re trying to set the mood, then an evening activity that cranks up the sexual tension is better suited. Find something to do that requires touching, such as dancing or playing pool (great opportunity to flirt). If you’re trying to avoid crowds, a night at home can still create the mood you want to set. No matter the activity, your goal is to tease them—a lot!
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Be Intentional With Intimacy
Sexual tension is created by getting your partner thinking about sex without the assurance it’s going to happen—at least not immediately. The goal is to build up the anticipation, not skip all the steps leading up to it.
When was the last time you kissed them deeply and then just went about your business? Have you given them a lingering hug this week?
A common occurrence for long-term couples is that they stop connecting physically until it leads to sex. You used to enjoy kissing for kissing sake, and now it’s a gateway activity for sex. So, when you’re not in the mood, you avoid sending your partner signals that may communicate otherwise. It may not even be a conscious effort on your part. Eventually, your brain knows kissing/touching leads to sex, so avoid those if you don’t want to have sex. Maybe you aren’t avoiding it altogether, maybe your kissing style has changed to let them know it’s just a kiss and nothing more.
Dating your spouse is an opportunity to create or recreate the chemistry between you, but it’s not just physical.
Contribute to the Relationship Mentally, Not Just Physically
A successful relationship is one where you are supported, valued, and feel safe. The ego is fragile, so if your partner isn’t feeling right mentally, your physical relationship will be impacted. Whether caused directly by you or by factors outside of your relationship, if your partner’s pride is hurt or they don’t feel loved and safe to be who they are, you spending quality time with them can go a long way to repair that disconnect.
If you want the chemistry to come easy, take small steps to create and maintain it every day and make it an enjoyable part of your day.
Remember – if you are ready to change your marriage right now, book your free session! These won’t last.