At this point you’ve heard us talk about boundaries AD NAUSEUM. We are obsessed. From our point of view, setting healthy boundaries are at least PART of basically any solution on Blush whether we are discussing family dynamics, career, relationships, friendships, or even helplessness. Boundaries can be made with institutions, people, or even with ourselves.
But what do boundaries actually look like? Feel like? Hell, what even IS a boundary?
We like to define a boundary as the very REAL but invisible line that separates you from something else. This invisible boundary not only protects your space and sets limits on the amount of energy and participation you’re willing to exert, but it also creates a healthy environment for you to thrive and be present in the moments that are beneficial for you and for others in your life.
Today, I’m sharing Blush’s top five tips on setting healthy boundaries so you can reap the benefits of balanced, strong, and sustainable relationships. If you’re more of a video person, don’t fret, Coach Elise recorded these steps in a short video below. Be sure to follow us on Instagram for Five Tip Friday so you never miss out!
Identify Your Current Boundaries
We all have boundaries of some sort. They may not be any good – but they do exist in every relationship. So let’s go over what kind of boundaries you may have currently so you can figure out how you’d like to change them in the future.
Rigid Boundaries: These types of boundaries act more like walls than they do lines of demarcation. Rigid boundaries don’t give you the space or freedom you need to flourish, and they most likely isolate you from others. Rigid boundaries are inflexible, extreme, and sometimes unjustified. They are most likely born out of fear and anxiety rather than confidence or security.
An example of a rigid boundary might look like refusing to offer help to anyone without being offered payment in exchange. While creating a boundary to not do free work constantly is completely understandable and usually acceptable, refusing to offer those who love you without anything in return can be a very rigid boundary to employ. With this boundary in place, you won’t be able to help out a neighbor, a friend, or a family member without turning it into a business transaction. This will absolutely limit the amount of cordial and genuine relationships you have in your life – and therefore acts as a more restrictive measure than a protective one. In fact, people will probably learn quickly not to initiate any interaction with you, because climbing a wall to get to you takes up way too much effort. So alone you’ll be, behind a wall meant to keep everyone out, and only you in.
Loose Boundary: If we are following the “wall” metaphor from above, loose boundaries act more a grass perimeter that’s been walked all over day in and day out. It’s there, but it’s not really there. And it definitely doesn’t deter people from getting where they want to go.
Again, let’s follow the example from above. If a rigid boundary is refusing to help others without payment no matter the situation, then a loose boundary might look like dropping everything to help anyone who asks you regardless of the timing or the effort required. Meaning – you would basically have zero time for your own work, needs, self-care, or desires because you would be constantly running around the clock helping others with their work, needs, self-care or desires. And once word gets around that you have loose boundaries – people come knocking. After all, if it only takes trampling a measly grass perimeter to get what they want, why wouldn’t they?
Flexible Boundary: If a rigid boundary is a wall, and a loose boundary is a grass perimeter, then a flexible boundary is a door. And you can open and close it whenever the hell you want.
But if we’re getting more specific, the tough of flexible boundaries is that there isn’t a constant definition because of their inherent nature – they’re flexible. Healthy boundaries will look different to everyone because they depend on the person’s personality, needs, and wants. Hence, you can open the door for different people or close it for different people – and that’s all at your discretion. Flexible boundaries might start out rigid or loose, but after collecting more information and feedback, have the ability to adapt to the person’s goals. They are allowed to morph and change depending on the situation and the information at hand.
Finishing off the examples above, a flexible boundary might look like having certain requirements in order to drop everything and help a friend out without any expectation of payment. For example, if a friendly neighbor needs a cup of sugar, a flexible boundary would probably allow you to lend that sugar without expecting a replacement of sugar the following day. Neighbors help neighbors with small favors. Another example might be a neighbor who is having a medical emergency and needs you to watch their kids for a few hours while they are being taken to the hospital. Most confident, secure people would immediately drop everything to help their friendly neighbor during this tragic time without expecting compensation for watching their children. However, a flexible boundary can say “no” if the circumstances do not fit into a person’s parameters. For example, if a neighbor constantly asks you to mow their lawn, watch their kids, and help with housework daily – but expects this all for free – most people with strong, flexible boundaries would turn these requests down immediately. Healthy boundaries do not allow people to be exploited for free labor.
Now that we have gone over the three different types of boundaries, take a second to reflect over the type of boundaries you typically instill in your life. Note that in different areas in your life or with different people, you may have loose boundaries, rigid boundaries, or flexible boundaries. For example you may practice loose boundaries with family, but rigid boundaries with friends, and flexible boundaries at work. So try to take some time to account for the different shades of boundaries you practice in life so you know where to start your healthy boundary journey.