Feelings: The other f-word.
Now, depending on your childhood experiences, significant relationships, and current level of self-awareness, that word either sent shivers down your spine or warm fuzzies in your heart.
For a long time, feelings got a bad rap. People used to think that logic and intelligence were far superior to feelings (those people probably weren’t in touch with their feelings, IMHO).
But now, feelings are having a moment.
We’re recognizing that emotional intelligence is just as important, if not more important, than IQ. Turns out that children who are more aware of feelings within themselves and others grow up to be happier, healthier, and more financially successful. The underdog is now the overdog. Take that, LOGIC.
But for real, we still really, really need logic so please stick around.
If there is any place to start on your journey towards mental health and self-actualization, it’s with your feelings. After all, they are the driving force behind everything you do. You thought you were in charge?
Oh, honey. That’s so cute. Think again.
What Are Feelings?
First of all, we’re going to have to have a working understanding of what feelings are.
Now, this is going to be a way over-simplified explanation and just one way to define feelings because if you thought your relationship was complicated, you should study the brain.
A good way to begin is by talking about emotions.
Wait a sec, aren’t those two the same? I’m so glad you asked! The answer is: not really. Kind of. But no. I mean, a little bit. Depends on who you ask.
Emotions are instinctual responses to external or internal stimuli that originate in the amygdala and travel all throughout your body.
The amygdala, along with the hypothalamus and hippocampus all live in the limbic system within your brain and are basically the three best friends that anyone could have. And you know what they love more than anything? EMOTIONS.
When a strong emotion comes up (especially negative ones, I’ll come back to that later) the drama queen amygdala becomes obsessed like this is a juicy piece of hot gossip and immediately tells her bestie, hypothalamus.
The hypothalamus, or should I say “hype man” (get it?!), pounces on this opportunity and immediately starts dishing out neurotransmitters and hormones to alert the masses. Think of social media accounts any time a Kardashian is seen with a new dude.
The hippocampus is the Gretchen Wieners in this scenario (i.e., she stores up all of the memories – that’s why her hair is so big) and she makes sure to lock in that hot gossip in long-term memory storage because obvi this is important and we’re going to have to remember it just in case it comes in handy later.
This all happens within microseconds and all below our state of consciousness. Even though we are constantly experiencing emotions, the amygdala only sounds the hot gossip alarm for the really big ones. Those besties LOVE to store up super embarrassing memories.
Brains can be jerks like that.
Feelings, on the other hand, reside in the neocortex – the more mature, methodical, and adultier part of your brain. When we become consciously aware of the drama that the limbic trio created throughout our body and analyze and process that experience, we call it feelings.
Feelings are what is going on in our brain as a result of our history, our education, our values, our personality, and – you guessed it – our emotions.
While emotions are primarily instinctual and live in the body, feelings live in the mind.
Feelings can be confusing, dangerous, or addictive, but they can also be rewarding, wonderful, and motivating.
What They Are NOT
Now is a good time to call out some myths about feelings. Let’s clear up the air.
Myth: Fine. Good. Okay. Busy.
No. Sorry. None of those are feelings.
Those are words you tell other humans after they ask you “How are you feeling?” so you can avoid being vulnerable and showing them that you’re actually human, too.
To tell someone else your feelings might also mean telling someone your insecurities and ew, who wants to do that?
So you say “Fine. Good. Okay. Busy.” instead of, “Overwhelmed by new motherhood” (or middle or old motherhood, let’s be real).
Or, “Heartbroken because I just saw my ex-boyfriend got married and there was part of me that was hoping he would come back – or at least be miserable for the rest of his life.“
Or, “Proud and relieved because I finally got that promotion that I’ve been working so hard towards.” (Thought people were only uncomfortable with negative feelings? Wrong. People are also super uncomfortable with positive ones, too).
Myth: Feelings should always be trusted.
Feelings aren’t facts. Feelings are a result of the culmination of so many experiences that it would take Twitter a lifetime to fact-check all of the random information that was pulled together to form one feeling tweet.
If you feel confident about something, it doesn’t mean you’re right. If you’re afraid of something, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s dangerous. If you’re feeling incompetent and like you’re fooling everyone around you into thinking that you actually know what you’re talking about, you’re probably in graduate school.