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It’s a realization all of us have had at some point or another: we don’t really know ourselves.
But how did this happen? How in the hell did we grace this world for 20+ years and we don’t even know how we feel about political issues or contemporary art or rap music?! Sometimes we can’t even figure out if we like the latest style trends. It’s madness! Seriously! HOW DID WE GET HERE?
I might not have the exact answer, but I have one answer. You probably are a psuedo-people-pleaser who prefers to let others have opinions rather than coming up with some on your own. And you know what? It’s super easy to get here. Opinions are hard. They require assertion and vulnerability and exposure. What if someone doesn’t agree with your opinion? What if they call you out for it? What if they challenge you and try to change your mind?
You probably got to the point where you felt like it wasn’t even worth it.
There are also a lot of instances where you find people you want to please for positive reasons. They’re great humans. They raised you or supported you or empowered you. And you’d really like to have the same opinions as them. So you try them on for size, and they feel all right. It’ll do. And, bonus, you get to have an ultra harmonious relationship with your squad.
But all of this only suppressed your own opinions. Your own feelings. Your own thoughts! You spent too much time focusing on what others wanted that you forgot to take inventory of what you wanted. And now, you feel like you are absolutely clueless at understanding yourself or your desires. It’s like you’re a complete stranger to yourself! And that’s scary as (beep).
So we’re going to fix that. You are now going under-go ‘get to know yourself’ boot camp. You are going to find your inner self no matter what it takes. And it all starts here.
The first step to tuning into your inner self is to create space from others. If it sounds cold, don’t worry, you’re not going to lose your relationships.
Think of it this way: in order to hear a whisper, you have to step away from any loud noises. That’s common sense. You don’t run away from the noise or yell at the noise or never want to hear a loud noise again. You just have to tune it out for a second to hear the soft, yet exceptionally important, whisper.
You are the whisper. And more than likely, the loud noises are a combination of others’ opinions that you have valued for quite some time. This practice typically starts at a young age, especially for people pleasers. Why insert yourself when you could listen to others’ opinions and create harmony? It made sense then, and sometimes it still makes sense now. The problem is when we habitually forget to listen to ourselves.
So, in order to figure out what you really think about things, you have to create a little space.
You don’t have to bounce ideas off of people. You don’t have to “run things by” your friend. You don’t even have to say what you’re thinking out loud. You just have to give yourself enough space from others to cultivate your own opinion on matters.
If it feels like you’re keeping secrets, that’s fine. Perhaps a little more privacy will do you some good.
The most important part of creating space is to figure out how you feel BEFORE letting someone else in on it. You are free to change your mind if others make valid points – that’s how we learn and grow more intelligent in life. But you should make it a habit of figuring out what you believe or think first as much as possible, and then entering into a conversation with an open mind.
It’s time to explore!
When we get in the habit of adopting others’ opinions, it’s easy to get in a “comfort zone” that isn’t really even ours. We get the same nail color every time because dark purple nails “aren’t classy” according to mom. We opt for mint chocolate chip ice cream because “vanilla is too boring” according to dad. We only vacation in certain spots, we always vote for the same party, we don’t try out new trends, and we certainly don’t take crazy risks. Deviating from the plan would cause unwanted attention and questions! And if we don’t know how we feel about things, how would we defend our choices anyway?!?
You don’t have to! That’s the beauty of it all.
I dare you to try as many new things as possible and not worry about the consequences of each choice. Paint your nails sparkly orange for all I care! Go crazy! Because if you don’t now, then you are only delaying getting to know the REAL you. The REAL you has to try things on in order to see if you like it or not! You have to take the car for a test drive before you buy! And you have to ask yourself if you like the new choice, or if you don’t. That’s all there is to it.
You probably won’t like a lot of the things you try. Maybe dark purple nails really aren’t your thing. But you know what? That’s AMAZING because you came to that conclusion on your own instead of letting someone else decide for you. It doesn’t matter if you turn out to be super picky or super laid back – as long as you have decided for yourself.
You’ve heard that ridiculously cute phrase before: You can’t please everyone, you’re not a jar of Nutella!
Cute. So, so cute. And so true!
If you are determined to live your life to the most authentic degree, then you ain’t gonna please everyone. Not only are you going to have to go against others’ opinions while trying to figure out your own, but you are also going to do the exact opposite of what someone you love would do. And in turn, you could disappoint them.
Go for it.
That’s right. I said it. Disappoint the hell out of ’em!
It’s not like you’re intentionally hurting anyone. And yeah, it would be nice if others didn’t care so much about how you lived your life. But they do. You’re awesome. And people are always going to take interest in how you live your life. So, in order to shake off the pressure, you have to lean into your ways and be prepared to disappoint. You’ll survive, and so will they.
Now that you are a self-assured, opinionated, determined and confident woman, you’ve got some life decisions to make. Yay! And you know that not everyone is going to love your decisions as much as you do. Boo!
But we still have to play nice.
It’s easy to get caught up in this new bold, confident you. It’s easy to start preaching, lecturing, and vehemently educating others so that they can get on board with your decisions. But that’s not the way to go about it.
Everyone has their own journey of self development. You never know where someone else is in their transition of getting to know themselves. They might be just starting to form their own opinions, or they might have put a lot of hard work into figuring themselves out. We do NOT need to get in the way of that. Instead, be respectful of others’ opinions regardless of where they are in their journey.
Remember, you probably started on this path of self-discovery because you felt bullied, steamrolled, or suffocated to the point where you realized you HAD to stand up and figure out how you felt about things. So you don’t want to be that bully to someone else. You can still have your principles, values, and opinions and respect others’ of opposing views. In fact, respectfully disagreeing actually helps crystallize your judgments. Being able to openly consider another point of view in a calm and civilized manner and decide “nah, not for me” is pretty dang mature. Yay you grown up lady, you!
Yay. You’ve come to the right place. Blush life coaches don’t tell you what to think – they just do a hell of a job helping you realize what you were thinking all along. Sometimes it’s difficult to recognize or articulate our values when faced with stress or anxiety. And that’s why you need us. We’ll help you find your inner self so you can finally feel at ease with your decisions. Come join us today.