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But still, we hear “Do we fight too much?” on a daily basis. Seriously – we hear it a lot. It’s the age old question that we think holds the answer to whether or not our current relationship is “the one.” While some relationships are definitely too dramatic to survive an I-35 road trip, others are healthy as a horse even with lots of squabbles. I mean without arguments, life would be kind of boring. OH ADMIT IT YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.
PS–Relationships completely devoid of tiffs can also be red flags for apathy. Ew. So how can arguing in relationships actually be….good? Blush has the answer (and maaaaaaybe a few pointers…) as to why arguing relationships isn’t that bad.
If a couple doesn’t argue, then one would assume there is nothing to actually argue about. Guys…how is that possible? If you are a dating another human being, you are bound to get annoyed, curious, angry, insecure, or SOMETHING, right? Being open with your partner will naturally lead to arguments, small or humongous, and that’s totally expected. Sometimes you have to get it out in order to move forward. So if you aren’t arguing, then you’re probably holding some stuff in. Some secret stuff.
More times than not, secrets are lethal in relationships. I mean, just turn on any movie with a romantic story line and wait for Act III, and you’ll see. Secrets suck. Want a huge ugly sharp wedge put right in between you and your partner? Then keep a bunch of secrets hidden in your hair. Blush’s advice: go ahead, ask the tough questions, tell the truth, and embrace the fact that arguing is just bringing you guys closer.
Being open is also super beneficial in relationships (and the sky is blue!). But for real, letting the other person know how you feel is pretty vital, because that’s how relationships move from scary to merry. Now, since this is Blush, a life coaching company, we are also going to give a few little lectures. Just a few.
So—guys—you can’t speak for your partner. You can only speak for yourself. Arguments are no bueno when you start blaming, pointing fingers, or being condescending. Not cool. When you get your feelings hurt, just say it. Seriously. “Hi that hurt my feelings.” Easy. Not—“Hey you ugly jerkface you are so dumb and I am pissed at you because you suck.” Bad girlfriend. Bad.
Expressing yourself, even if it’s not necessarily in a calm fashion, can do more for your relationship than you think. Of course, in a perfect world, we would all be calm 100% of the time and maturity would flow through the faucets in the form of wine. But, alas, that’s not the case. Let go of the shameful fear of being “that girl”–the needy, emotional, hot mess, and accept the fact that you are human who has a right to be heard. Or share. Or whatever else. Go about it in the right way, (owning your feelings, calmly speaking, a gentle introduction), and arguing could actually become tolerable. At least you’ll be solving some issues instead of throwing socks at each other (not speaking from personal experience…).
This is kind of piggy backing on #2, but that section was getting rather long and blah blah blah.
So when you argue, there is a high chance that both of you will suck at it. Normal. BUT–that means there is a huge window for making things better. Arguing gives you both the opportunity to take mental notes of how your relationship operates during fights. What are your triggers?
For some, it might be name-calling. Others might have certain taboo topics they don’t like thrown in their face. A lot of people don’t like being talked down to. Whatever it is, you’ll probably notice that you get WAY more upset when the trigger is presented.
So, talk about it. Take the opportunity to set boundaries. What is ok to say, and what isn’t? What sets the other one off into a tizzy? What sends you off into a spiral? Or, simply put, how would you guys “like” to fight? Let’s list some examples of boundaries. Not leaving the room might be a good boundary. Or counting to five before speaking. ( Yes I’m serious.)
Whatever it is, respect you and your partner’s wishes. Arguing can be super productive if you let it be, but you have to work on it first. And it’s all about da respect. Listen, be heard, and then you kiss. La dee dah.
Ah, the best. Couples become WAY closer after an argument. It might take a bit to shake it off, but there is nothing better than feeling reunited again. You’re a team. You’ve got a buddy. It’s pretty sweet! Soak up those moments of reconciliation and try to hold onto it as long as possible.
Next, reflect back on those bonker things you just said and try to make a promise not to go there again (you know where). Commit to arguing in a productive fashion, and memorize the triggers and “no-no’s” you both have discussed before. Oh, and if you haven’t discussed them, you should probably do that now you’re all made up. Go.
Ok you beautiful couples, we hope this helps! Remember: arguing is NORMAL, secrets are BAD, and boundaries are GOOD. Oh, and may the BLUSH be with you.